thanks

After journaling a prayer of thanks this morning, I opened the Psalter to this morning's reading and read these words: "Thank you! Everything in me says, 'Thank you!' Angels listen as I sing my thanks. I kneel in worship facing your holy temple and say it again, 'Thank you!' Thank you for your love, thank you for your faithfulness; Most holy is your name, most holy is your Word. The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength." (Psalm 138)

I love that image--a life large with strength. I used to believe that God's blessings were evidenced in goodness, as defined by things I wanted. But Moriah's birth has taught me again that this is not the case. I wasn't sure I wanted a baby; I got pregnant. I wanted a healthy baby, I got a baby born with an extra chromosome and a heart defect. I wanted a natural childbirth; I got a C-section. I wanted to breastfeed; I lost my milk. In eleven weeks, it seems that most of my prayers have been answered with a resounding "NO."

And yet. And yet I give thanks today, as one who is realizing again that when what I want in life actually does happen, it is a mercy, and a grace, and that when it doesn't, I might still learn to be thankful, and to trust. I wanted my baby's heart to be made well, and it is well. And mostly, I have asked for the strength to walk on through these past weeks. I sit in Moriah's hospital room this morning as the sun streams in the windows, and feel this strength, and say thank you.

Today is Moriah's 11-week birthday, and I took some photos of her scar, now that all of her wires and tubes are out, to celebrate. It's also Jackson's 12th birthday--his 6th birthday celebration with us. And, it turns out, it MIGHT be the day we're discharged from the hospital. Moriah had a fabulous day yesterday, resuming her usual eating habits and rhythmic way of life. She is going in for a sedated echocardiogram this afternoon at 1pm; if she wakes up well, and eats well thereafter, they may send us home. Unbelievable.

"For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes."