Myth #1: Adopting children is a glorious, romantic experience.
Truth: Adopting children is difficult for both adopted children and adoptive parents.
Myth #2: Adopted children are "lucky" to be adopted.
Truth: Adopted children--even those adopted as infants--experience grief, and symptoms of grief, worse than any other childhood trauma. For them, adoption is often experienced as a loss. A loss of culture, language, previous familial ties, familiar places, biological identity, previous attachments...
Myth #3: Adoptive parents should be congratulated on going "above and beyond" the "call of duty."
Truth: Adoptive parents do not adopt to be "heroes;" they adopt to be parents. On the other hand, adoptive parents do experience a range of emotions (for example, secondary post-traumatic stress) that are not common among biological parents. Adoptive parents need support and understanding.
I write these words because they seem to be the only way to express what our week has been like...and what many weeks in the last couple months have actually and truly been like. It's not fair to either of my children to account in a public way what they are experiencing, and suffering through, and I have struggled many times with how to ask for prayer in this forum in a way that is respectful of our privacy. And so I will simply say that we covet your prayers as our family continues to struggle to find its way through the grief, the loss, the pain, and the sadness that is a part of our boys' life--and a part of ours, too.
In the meantime, we will continue to share our happier moments here, because we need these reminders of just how great our family can be. And we hope that if you know of an adoptive family--or a family about to adopt--you'll stop saying the trite things ("WOW! You adopted?! We could never do that!" "Your children must feel so lucky to have you." "It's amazing how you 'rescued' those kids.") and have the courage to look an adoptive parent or child square in the eye and say, "How ARE you?" Adoptive families don't need admirers, they need friends.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
another weekend
I didn't even get a chance to finish writing about LAST weekend, given the meeting-every-night week I've had at the boys' school (being a fourth grade room parent DOES have its responsibilities).
Last Sunday we embarked on a Make-a-Wish cruise of Boston Harbor aboard the Spirit. Since we were Make-a-Wish families this past year, the organization had invited our family to join other Wish families for a FREE afternoon of touring the harbor, eating, face painting, dancing, cupcake decorating, magic tricks, balloons...it was a fun day. We would have enjoyed it more had our deck's DJ not deteriorated into some questionable hip-hop music (since when is it okay for kids to hear songs with the words "sexy" and "damn" in them?); when confronted (why is it we're the only parents who do such things?!) he was forced to finally agree I was right, and went bcak to Oldies, High School Musical, and Grease fare. Mostly I was happy to pull the boys out on the dance floor (a first for them) and teach them the ever-important chicken dance and hokey pokey.
On Monday I had the privilege of attending our city's Martin Luther King Junior annual breakfast, which my dear friend Val organized in partnership with the Community Minority Cultural Center here in Lynn. The highlight of the morning was a moving tribute to King, which included one of Jason's former students, who just passed away last month. Check out the video (a Val idea, and a Gordon production) at www.capeters.net/MLK/site.html
The week passed in too-busy form (hope never to repeat THAT schedule of school meetings again)...on the one night I didn't have a meeting, I was in bed at 5:45. I told Jason this morning that I don't have the energy I used to have (didn't I used to go to meetings every night in my young adulthood?), and he said, "Well, you didn't used to be 31, either." Funny. My sister DD pointed out on the phone last night that I have a family that takes a lot of energy...very true, especially in a week when both boys visited the principal's office. In times like these, I remember Mom Winchell telling me that each of her boys was suspended from school, at least once. :)
Today we are off to the boys' basketball game this morning, and then looking at three family homes in Lynn this afternoon. Tonight we are date swapping with our friends (it's our turn to babysitt, so we will have five children here tonight). Tomorrow morning our friends have invited us to attend Christ Church with them, and to share breakfast afterwards with some people there who are interested in creating a new church here in Lynn.
Planning to make a more room in our week this week, and next weekend, even as Jason begins his graduate school classes for this semester on Monday.
In other news, our friend Eddie was released from the hospital last weekend. He's spent most of his days this week at Jimmy Fund and with other specialists...we are all concerned for him. Please keep him in your prayers. Also, was moved this week to "hear" from Grace's parents on their Care Page (as they have not posted since her passing). You can read their moving words on their online Journal at www.savegrace.com
Sunday, January 20, 2008
basketball weekend!
Friday night we took Orilus and Jackson to their first NBA game...Celtics versus 76ers! Finally, their Christmas present had arrived. (Celts won, in a come-from-behind 4th quarter).Below, the boys enjoy our way-high seats at the Garden. :) Orilus is becoming a HUGE sports fan now (Pats, Celts, Sox), so he especially enjoyed the game. Jackson seemed more concerned about all the people there: "Is this all the people in the whole world, Mom? How many people ARE there in the whole world?"
Saturday, Orilus and Jackson played their OWN game of b-ball...on their now 2-0 Lynn YMCA Huskies team.
Orilus has stopped taking hip hop, and Jackson is taking a break from gymnastics...and Mom and Dad are LOVING the team sport schedule again (simpler, and more fun to watch). Thanks to Becky, Debby, and Val for coming to see Team Winchell show off their mad skills (with an emphasis on "show off"...we're working on helping them with humility and teamwork). Sadly, the videos don't show the great moments of the game...any of the boys successful shots at the basket, Orilus' three-poniter, Jackson's amazing assist. But, at least you can see them in action!Monday, January 14, 2008
pray for Eddie
Hope you'll join us in praying for our friend, Eddie. He was re-admitted to 6 West (Boston Children's transplant/isolation floor) AGAIN on Friday. He's not feeling well, and we're concerned. Please keep him in your prayers!
Friday, January 11, 2008
a confirming week
What an amazing week we've had!
In one week's time, we've left our church with the blessing of our pastor and been quite confirmed in so many ways (our pastor's words, a dream, our children's responses, a sermon last Sunday at a church we visited) that our desire to live in community, and even to start a house church, is our new direction. We have no idea yet what this looks like, but for now, we are beginning to meet once a month with a group of friends for food and prayer. We are beginning this week to study the book of Genesis with our children, teaching them to read well, and to lead a family discussion. And we continue to look at multi-family homes here in Lynn, with a potential buyer for our own house, even!
My sister Becky said yesterday that this year looks like a year of HOPE. So very exciting.
In other news, received word a couple days ago that my surgery in December was successful. It looks ALL healed (already! I thank God for this, because I was laying in bed one night during vacation and FELT He was at work healing me completely...the doctor was so surprised!). I have learned a lot through this very strange physical problem, especially a more serene acceptance of life, and all that it brings.
However, since last week I've been struggling with an inflammation in my right eye, and currently have some loss of vision as a result. If my intestinal problems were teaching me to "agree" with God-in-life, then perhaps this will teach me to see with "new eyes" and to watch carefully to see God at work.
We're off to school this morning, so must run. The boys have a field trip ice skating today!
In one week's time, we've left our church with the blessing of our pastor and been quite confirmed in so many ways (our pastor's words, a dream, our children's responses, a sermon last Sunday at a church we visited) that our desire to live in community, and even to start a house church, is our new direction. We have no idea yet what this looks like, but for now, we are beginning to meet once a month with a group of friends for food and prayer. We are beginning this week to study the book of Genesis with our children, teaching them to read well, and to lead a family discussion. And we continue to look at multi-family homes here in Lynn, with a potential buyer for our own house, even!
My sister Becky said yesterday that this year looks like a year of HOPE. So very exciting.
In other news, received word a couple days ago that my surgery in December was successful. It looks ALL healed (already! I thank God for this, because I was laying in bed one night during vacation and FELT He was at work healing me completely...the doctor was so surprised!). I have learned a lot through this very strange physical problem, especially a more serene acceptance of life, and all that it brings.
However, since last week I've been struggling with an inflammation in my right eye, and currently have some loss of vision as a result. If my intestinal problems were teaching me to "agree" with God-in-life, then perhaps this will teach me to see with "new eyes" and to watch carefully to see God at work.
We're off to school this morning, so must run. The boys have a field trip ice skating today!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
happy new year
And suddenly, the new year is here.
We enjoyed a wonderful rest of our vacation...with an emphasis on the word REST. Recovering from surgery turned out to be a gift, after all. I made an art form of sleeping in (which I have never really been able to do before) and even spending two entire days in my new Christmas pajamas. It was absolutely lovely. I read a book my sister loaned me--Eat, Love, Pray--and this continued to work grace throughout the time, and inspired me to further thinking and prayer. The boys, too, seemed to take much time for rest. They enjoyed a sleepover they had planned, played with a friend from the neighborhood, visited with my grandparents...and then suddenly, the days were winding to an end, our Christmas tree was coming down, our living room furniture back to their usual places. New Year's Eve we spent reviving a tradition by working for our dear friends who own two Chinese restaurants--one in Lynn, and one in Swampscott. Jason delivered for the Swampscott restaurant while I answered the phones and took orders ("Do you have mishi?" And I'm thinking, "WHAT is mishi?!"), and the boys played in the restaurant's playroom with the owner's children. We all had a great time, actually--it put new meaning on spending the new year with friends, as there is nothing quite like helping your friends to accomplish their life's dream (a good resolution for us all: to help someone toward their dream this year).
In the meantime, we, too, have been dreaming. Of a different kind of church. Of a different way to live. And this year, 2008, is apparently going to be the year to put some of these dreams into action (I say "apparently" because all of the sudden, in the space we had of a 2-week vacation to pray and to talk, Jason and I are feeling directed and are hungry for all God intends for us to be). We're working to finish up a few small house projects this winter, and have decided to try to sell our house this spring. We have a dream to live in community with some dear friends, and some friends we want to be more dear than our busy lives currently afford. You can pray with us as we start looking this Saturday for a 3-family for purchase here in Lynn. We're hoping to move into one of the condos, and to enjoy the benefits of community life as our friends move in around (above? below?) us. We're truly tired of the American way of life...so isolating, so wasteful, so un-REAL. This Christmas I had a revelation--that the only growth of lasting value in my life happens because I am loved by others around me, an Incarnation of Jesus' love that FORCES me to deal with how great His love must really be. I can go no further in my knowing of Love without a community to hold me in Love more regularly than I myself, than my little family, can do. I am terrified to be so open with others, to share life with them in a real way, but is there any other way to truly find life? I think not.
Especially after all the reminders I also had this vacation that "the world is too much with us." Grieving friends. Grieving family. Friends caught between relationships. Friends unable to bear children. Children who have died, and are dying too soon. A colleague today who is grieving so acutely that her mantra "the whole fucking shitty world" took my breath away. This evening I emailed a sad friend more of our discussion about the Jesus we (try to) believe in. A Jesus not of triumph, but of great suffering. A recognition that we are together in our suffering--we humans, and if we can accept such a humble God--Jesus, too. In a grieving world, we need each other. And this Christmas this is what I realized--that the friends who sat with ME in my grief, in my doubt, in my suffering, in my stress, in my absolute awful-ness--their presence affirmed for me that I am worth something. That if my friend, my sisters, my husband, can sit on my couch when I'm at my worst, and keep coming back, then Jesus can, too. And He does. In them.
So happy new year to all. May this year be a year in which we can discover the Jesus-of-the-couch, come to sit with us, wherever we are, and to love us still. My resolution: I want to know His loving presence like a dear, dear friend who cries easily and loves lavishly.
We enjoyed a wonderful rest of our vacation...with an emphasis on the word REST. Recovering from surgery turned out to be a gift, after all. I made an art form of sleeping in (which I have never really been able to do before) and even spending two entire days in my new Christmas pajamas. It was absolutely lovely. I read a book my sister loaned me--Eat, Love, Pray--and this continued to work grace throughout the time, and inspired me to further thinking and prayer. The boys, too, seemed to take much time for rest. They enjoyed a sleepover they had planned, played with a friend from the neighborhood, visited with my grandparents...and then suddenly, the days were winding to an end, our Christmas tree was coming down, our living room furniture back to their usual places. New Year's Eve we spent reviving a tradition by working for our dear friends who own two Chinese restaurants--one in Lynn, and one in Swampscott. Jason delivered for the Swampscott restaurant while I answered the phones and took orders ("Do you have mishi?" And I'm thinking, "WHAT is mishi?!"), and the boys played in the restaurant's playroom with the owner's children. We all had a great time, actually--it put new meaning on spending the new year with friends, as there is nothing quite like helping your friends to accomplish their life's dream (a good resolution for us all: to help someone toward their dream this year).
In the meantime, we, too, have been dreaming. Of a different kind of church. Of a different way to live. And this year, 2008, is apparently going to be the year to put some of these dreams into action (I say "apparently" because all of the sudden, in the space we had of a 2-week vacation to pray and to talk, Jason and I are feeling directed and are hungry for all God intends for us to be). We're working to finish up a few small house projects this winter, and have decided to try to sell our house this spring. We have a dream to live in community with some dear friends, and some friends we want to be more dear than our busy lives currently afford. You can pray with us as we start looking this Saturday for a 3-family for purchase here in Lynn. We're hoping to move into one of the condos, and to enjoy the benefits of community life as our friends move in around (above? below?) us. We're truly tired of the American way of life...so isolating, so wasteful, so un-REAL. This Christmas I had a revelation--that the only growth of lasting value in my life happens because I am loved by others around me, an Incarnation of Jesus' love that FORCES me to deal with how great His love must really be. I can go no further in my knowing of Love without a community to hold me in Love more regularly than I myself, than my little family, can do. I am terrified to be so open with others, to share life with them in a real way, but is there any other way to truly find life? I think not.
Especially after all the reminders I also had this vacation that "the world is too much with us." Grieving friends. Grieving family. Friends caught between relationships. Friends unable to bear children. Children who have died, and are dying too soon. A colleague today who is grieving so acutely that her mantra "the whole fucking shitty world" took my breath away. This evening I emailed a sad friend more of our discussion about the Jesus we (try to) believe in. A Jesus not of triumph, but of great suffering. A recognition that we are together in our suffering--we humans, and if we can accept such a humble God--Jesus, too. In a grieving world, we need each other. And this Christmas this is what I realized--that the friends who sat with ME in my grief, in my doubt, in my suffering, in my stress, in my absolute awful-ness--their presence affirmed for me that I am worth something. That if my friend, my sisters, my husband, can sit on my couch when I'm at my worst, and keep coming back, then Jesus can, too. And He does. In them.
So happy new year to all. May this year be a year in which we can discover the Jesus-of-the-couch, come to sit with us, wherever we are, and to love us still. My resolution: I want to know His loving presence like a dear, dear friend who cries easily and loves lavishly.
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