I've been awake since 3:30 this morning, so this will be necessarily brief.
Moriah did a GREAT job today...she took sedation medication like a champ, and woke up as soon as they were done (and I mean, AS SOON...she has amazing timing, seriously. Actually, Jason told me she reminded him of a Meppelink--for those of you who don't know, this would be my mother's side of our family--who are notorious for being fast-paced, impatient, and forever ready to "move on"...this is very much my personality, so I was quite proud of her). We were relieved she handled sedation so well, and the cardiac clinic was able to get all the pictures they needed.
Briefly, the echocardiogram showed 2 holes as we had seen them originally after her birth--one between the atria (a medium-sized hole), and one between the ventricles (a very, very large hole). There's also some extra tissue in her left atrium that will need to be removed. As the cardiologist put it, she will NOT get any better than she is right now, and will only get worse, and given that she's old enough, and big enough, he'd like to proceed with surgery.
He's putting us on the surgical calendar for next week...we are waiting for his office to call us (hopefully tomorrow) with an exact date.
As I write this, I feel for the first time real nerves--butterflies, and a pit in my stomach. Most of this evening, I have felt shock, and some weird sort of denial. Perhaps the sort that helps a person to keep it together in front of doctors and in front of one's other children. Jason is feeling simliarly. It's like we both KNOW we are freaking out, but we don't actually feel it. This may sound strange, but it's a grace for now. I don't have time to freak out--Moriah has two totally unrelated appointments (GI and Down syndrome clinic) at two different Boston hospitals tomorrow. Another long, long day, and this one, I have to do alone (was so glad to have Jason with me this afternoon, as I would have been overwhelmed without him).
I began my day after carpool at Lynn beach, walking the boardwalk deliberately and slowly (in contrast to my usual I-must-lose-baby-weight pace). I stood for a while at the beach and prayed, and offered my day to God, and asked for beauty, and sanity, and peace. And mostly, I asked for awareness of His presence, the faith to believe Spirit really is all around, and Love is not far away. I felt these things today, and as I end the day now 12 hours after standing at high tide's edge, I hope again for the grace to take this week one moment at a time, the grace to forge a new life from the one I expected, and was not given. Grace to trust the Giver, and receive the gift--Moriah, and all she is teaching me about hearts and love, weakness and inner strength.
3 comments:
What does one say at a moment like this? We knew the surgery was coming and yet putting a date on the calendar just seems way too real, and terrifying. At the same time we face the day knowing that God is here with us, walking into the future before us and walking by our side. I am grateful for His grace in our lives and in your day today.
Missy and Jason you do not walk alone in this, the Lord is with you,as is your family and your community of friends. We love you and pray for you without end. My prayer is that you will be sustained by His presence and touched by His love and comforted by His Spirit. Isaiah 41:10
Oh dear sister, we don't know what to say other than we're joining with you and Jason in prayer and faith in God's goodness and provision. We love you all dearly.
you know melissa, in the very short time i have known you i have been impressed by your energy, commitment, and determination to get things done. i can only imagine that those qualities are of great grace and value to your family. i am saddened by all the struggles that have recently entered your lives along with the love, beauty, and joy of your sweet lil' moriah. i hope you and your family continue to be of strength and positive spirit to one another, and of course to your little girl. you're in my thoughts.
siouxsie
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