myth busters

Myth #1: Adopting children is a glorious, romantic experience.
Truth: Adopting children is difficult for both adopted children and adoptive parents.

Myth #2: Adopted children are "lucky" to be adopted.
Truth: Adopted children--even those adopted as infants--experience grief, and symptoms of grief, worse than any other childhood trauma. For them, adoption is often experienced as a loss. A loss of culture, language, previous familial ties, familiar places, biological identity, previous attachments...

Myth #3: Adoptive parents should be congratulated on going "above and beyond" the "call of duty."
Truth: Adoptive parents do not adopt to be "heroes;" they adopt to be parents. On the other hand, adoptive parents do experience a range of emotions (for example, secondary post-traumatic stress) that are not common among biological parents. Adoptive parents need support and understanding.

I write these words because they seem to be the only way to express what our week has been like...and what many weeks in the last couple months have actually and truly been like. It's not fair to either of my children to account in a public way what they are experiencing, and suffering through, and I have struggled many times with how to ask for prayer in this forum in a way that is respectful of our privacy. And so I will simply say that we covet your prayers as our family continues to struggle to find its way through the grief, the loss, the pain, and the sadness that is a part of our boys' life--and a part of ours, too.

In the meantime, we will continue to share our happier moments here, because we need these reminders of just how great our family can be. And we hope that if you know of an adoptive family--or a family about to adopt--you'll stop saying the trite things ("WOW! You adopted?! We could never do that!" "Your children must feel so lucky to have you." "It's amazing how you 'rescued' those kids.") and have the courage to look an adoptive parent or child square in the eye and say, "How ARE you?" Adoptive families don't need admirers, they need friends.

another weekend

I didn't even get a chance to finish writing about LAST weekend, given the meeting-every-night week I've had at the boys' school (being a fourth grade room parent DOES have its responsibilities).

Last Sunday we embarked on a Make-a-Wish cruise of Boston Harbor aboard the Spirit. Since we were Make-a-Wish families this past year, the organization had invited our family to join other Wish families for a FREE afternoon of touring the harbor, eating, face painting, dancing, cupcake decorating, magic tricks, balloons...it was a fun day. We would have enjoyed it more had our deck's DJ not deteriorated into some questionable hip-hop music (since when is it okay for kids to hear songs with the words "sexy" and "damn" in them?); when confronted (why is it we're the only parents who do such things?!) he was forced to finally agree I was right, and went bcak to Oldies, High School Musical, and Grease fare. Mostly I was happy to pull the boys out on the dance floor (a first for them) and teach them the ever-important chicken dance and hokey pokey.

On Monday I had the privilege of attending our city's Martin Luther King Junior annual breakfast, which my dear friend Val organized in partnership with the Community Minority Cultural Center here in Lynn. The highlight of the morning was a moving tribute to King, which included one of Jason's former students, who just passed away last month. Check out the video (a Val idea, and a Gordon production) at www.capeters.net/MLK/site.html

The week passed in too-busy form (hope never to repeat THAT schedule of school meetings again)...on the one night I didn't have a meeting, I was in bed at 5:45. I told Jason this morning that I don't have the energy I used to have (didn't I used to go to meetings every night in my young adulthood?), and he said, "Well, you didn't used to be 31, either." Funny. My sister DD pointed out on the phone last night that I have a family that takes a lot of energy...very true, especially in a week when both boys visited the principal's office. In times like these, I remember Mom Winchell telling me that each of her boys was suspended from school, at least once. :)

Today we are off to the boys' basketball game this morning, and then looking at three family homes in Lynn this afternoon. Tonight we are date swapping with our friends (it's our turn to babysitt, so we will have five children here tonight). Tomorrow morning our friends have invited us to attend Christ Church with them, and to share breakfast afterwards with some people there who are interested in creating a new church here in Lynn.

Planning to make a more room in our week this week, and next weekend, even as Jason begins his graduate school classes for this semester on Monday.

In other news, our friend Eddie was released from the hospital last weekend. He's spent most of his days this week at Jimmy Fund and with other specialists...we are all concerned for him. Please keep him in your prayers. Also, was moved this week to "hear" from Grace's parents on their Care Page (as they have not posted since her passing). You can read their moving words on their online Journal at www.savegrace.com